I started writing this post in 2014, but wasn’t sure where it was going.  Sometimes heart surgery can be complex and take longer to see good results.

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Lately I have been noticing some subtle, but troubling changes in my behavior and my speech.  Over the last few weeks I have noticed that I have become a little less disciplined in my personal goals, my workout schedule, what I eat and my time management.  I have also allowed situations at work to trouble me to the point of being extremely impatient and short with people.  My level of sarcasm is up right now to an unreasonable amount and I think I have used more profanity in the last month than I have in the last five years.  This is kind of huge because profanity bothers me.  Usually if someone uses profanity around me, they quickly apologize for cussing in front of me, yep, I am that guy.  “Let no unwholesome words come out of your mouth” is a principle that I have held close to my heart since I was a child.  Then one day I said something while driving, completely oblivious to my actions until I heard my niece say, “I’ve never heard Uncle Tom cuss before.”  I was embarrassed and knew I had a problem.

 So why do I spell this out?  Mostly because my heart stinks right now and I am troubled that I can be so easily derailed.  I can list out circumstances that frustrated me and you would probably be understanding, even give me an excuse to be this way, but what is painfully obvious to me is that I have embarked on a whole new level of selfishness.  Though I feel wronged, I know I have been lied to and life in general seems unfair, I know that other past trials have never taken me to this place.  I don’t know what to do…

Fast forward to today:  A great Puritan writer wrote that my attitude is the aroma of my heart.  A statement that resonates with me in a very clear way.  A God-centered attitude brings an aroma of Christ-like love and charity while a self-centered attitude brings a smell of selfish, biting behavior.  I believe that Jesus gave us the Golden Rule [Matt.22:39 (Lev.19:18)] because He knows our instinct is to put self first. (Don’t forget verse 37 or verse 39 is not possible).  I have found a great deal of truth in this statement about my attitude and it really did not take much to get to the smelly place.  The busyness of life coupled with some rare life events had caused me to compromise my priorities which seemed harmless at the time, but it is these baby steps that slowly lead me off the narrow road.  These baby steps become easier as you walk, run and eventually sprint towards destruction.   When the aroma of Christ in your heart is faint, it becomes much easier to fall prey to the temptation of self-pity, self-righteousness and self-aggrandizement.  Even self-deprecation can be sinful with impure motives.  I had forgotten that no one has ever been more wronged than Jesus, crucified by those He came to save.

As I spent some time reflecting, praying and trying to listen to God, one thing that was pointed out to me was that all of those actions are a reflection of what is going on in my heart.  As my poor behavior had been on the rise, there had been an inverse decline in spending quality time with God.  There was never an abandonment of faith by any means, however my priorities had gotten scrambled.  Instead of scheduling time to be with God in Word and prayer, I found myself just squeezing Him in.  Reading had not been a rich time of nourishing my soul, it has been more of a check list item so I can get on with my day.  Instead of times of prayer and listening, prayer has been reduced to whatever time it took me to drive from point a to point b, and that’s if there is not a good song on the radio.

With this recognition, the months that followed have been a time of slowing down a bit, getting my priorities back in order, committing time to be with God, practicing spiritual disciplines and listening.  What I learned from this experience was that the very smallest of compromises can quickly snowball into sin.  I also realized that this focus on self can make sin appear legitimate, disguised as something noble or something that validates my moral high ground, but in the end the ugly face of sin takes root in my heart and is revealed through my attitude, my words and my actions.  In the past, my communion with God seemed to be circumstantial, about where I should go or what I should do, but at this stage in my faith, God is revealing to me what I am to become.  In short, sanctification or becoming Christ like, should always be the focus, not circumstances.  I had allowed circumstances to become the focus rather than allowing those circumstances to shape me into a greater reliance on God to become more like Jesus.