The first thing to know is that courting is intentional and seeks a lasting relationship that moves from courting to engagement to marriage.  Dating tends to be recreational with no defined specific goal as where courting begins with the ideal end defined.  The influence for these come from several areas.  First, biblical principles that I have read over time; second, strong influence from a book called The Love Dare; third, personal experience; and lastly, one principle portrayed in the movie, Love Actually, I will let you figure out which one!  As you seek that person to spend your life with, I hope this is helpful.

1. GET YOUR SPIRITUAL HOUSE IN ORDER – Be honest with yourself and honest with God.  If you cannot do that, you will not be honest with her.  Are you truly committed to growing in Christ and pursuing spiritual maturity?  Do you want someone to come along side of you in your pursuit of holiness?  Do you have a desire to have a woman who is also in this pursuit or do you just want a playmate?  If you were a father, would you trust someone like you with your daughter?  If you are not grounded in these foundational values of the faith, the rest of these guidelines may be meaningless to you or at best, easily compromised by you.  If Christ is the head of man, and man is the head of woman (1Cor.11:3) be ready to lead by being led. Be in communion with God, pray, read, listen, be accountable and participate in the Body.  If you are not, then now is the time to get it together.  You cannot fake this, God won’t allow it and a woman walking with God will quickly see your charade.  You must be actively engaged in the pursuit of holiness and the practice of godliness and then you will be prepared to lead.

2. EVALUATE YOUR PRIORITIES – Understand the goal of pursuing this relationship. Why do you want to get married?  Do you need to get married?  Moses says it is not good for man to be alone and Paul says if you can live without a wife then don’t take on that headache, so what should you do?  I can think of a lot of reasons why I want to get married, but only a few are based on biblical principles.  I would also like to be a dad, either to my own children or through adoption, both ideally, but there are biblical admonishments to raise up godly children.  There are many ancillary benefits of being married, but those should not be the only basis for going down this road.  I would add that once you have her, it is good from time to time to make sure that you are in right relationship with God and that you have not inadvertently put her on the throne of Grace.  This is a matter of the heart and can easily happen through small compromises.  You want to serve her as a spiritual act of worship to God, do not worship her.

3. PURSUE THE GIRL – men and women are different by design and men should take the lead, be assertive and face the risk.  Women by design, want to be pursued and admire a man who will show courage, confront the fear of rejection and even be willing to look foolish for her.  Now she doesn’t want you to look foolish, but to know that you would do that for her is admirable and romantic in her eyes.  If you can’t say her name without smiling and you are experiencing a heightened sensation of excitement and fear, then she is worth the risk provided that she meets the spiritual non-negotiables.  There is a critical pivot point here which is her identity in Christ.  It is very easy to be infatuated with a girl based on physical attraction which will result in a relationship that God will not bless (James 1:14-15).  If she does not share your faith, then flee(2Tim 2:22), you have absolutely no business being with her.  (To this I would also add “do not date a convertible, get yourself a hardtop.”  If she is not a woman of faith and you truly care about her, pray for her and evangelize, don’t cross the line to date her).  Also, define the relationship for her, tell her you want to court, don’t leave her guessing.  If she doesn’t know what that means, be prepared to explain it.  If she says yes, then you know right away that you are someone she would consider being married to, but don’t let that truth cause you to get anxious, you may need to literally pray continually to stay the course.

4. PURSUE WITH THE GOAL OF MARRIAGE – the goal of this pursuit is to have a wife, not just a girlfriend.  This matters because hopefully you have the goal to marry once for life.  If that is not your goal, then I would discourage you from pursing a martial relationship because you lack the necessity of honoring God in marriage, the maturity required of commitment, the respect for the institution of marriage, the respect for your future wife and the love and dedication for your future children.  Don’t be selfish!

5. PURSUE PURITY – She is not a conquest, as happens in dating.  Set boundaries and talk to her about them.  You know your limits and they are different for everyone.  As you get to know her, you will find that her beauty cannot be constrained, but you will face physical temptation.  You also know what gets your motor running, so if you need to talk to her about how she dresses, her scent, her touch or other areas, then do it in a way that she is not embarrassed, but  understands that she is very desirable and politely ask her to dial it down a little.  Just until you’re married, then enjoy her fully.  Do not, I repeat, do not call her a stumbling block, it’s not a compliment.

6. PURSUE EXCLUSIVELY – Remember, this is courting, not dating and she deserves your full attention. If you are out dilly dallying with other girls, you will become emotionally confused, be distracted and probably miss the goodness she has to offer.  This is also not a competition to compare her to other girls, nor should she ever feel like she is being evaluated.  You are really evaluating yourself to see if you can love her like Christ loved the church and laid His life down for her.  It is critically important to understand this because the decision may seem easy at first when things are new and exciting, but if you marry, the day may come when you will need to actively choose to love her unconditionally.  That is what husbands are called to do, it’s a requirement.  As you get to know her, you are going to realize that she is not perfect, but you may discover that she is perfect for you.

7. LEARN ABOUT HER – Learn her likes, her dislikes, her good experiences, her bad experiences, her dreams, her goals, her view of herself, her view of God, her view of you, her view of her family, her childhood, her view of church, her view of the Bible, her attitude towards prayer, her hobbies, her fears, her bucket list, her allergies and everything else. Observe her heart for others, her ability to forgive, her attitude in giving, her compassion, and her thoughtfulness.  Does she ask how she can encourage you?  Take note of these things.  Keep a journal of her, things that matter or you may need to know later, important dates, things you shouldn’t do.  In the book, The Love Dare, it recommends continual learning about her.  The reason many marriages end in divorce is because people put there best foot forward in dating and get lazy after they are married which leads to disillusionment, disengagement, dis-contention and other dis words.  If you approach knowing her like school, you get your degree in her, then your master’s in her and after many years of marriage, you may have a Phd in her.  Think of the pre-marital relationship like high school level learning about her.  You may eventually be accepted to her university even if you have to repeat a year of high school.

8. SHARE SPIRITUAL DISCIPLINES WITH HER – Pray together, read together, share what God is teaching you, share what you learned in church and listen carefully to what God is teaching her.  Lift her up in prayer, by this I mean pray for her in a manner that is beneficial to her well being, not yours.  Praying for her in a completely selfless way is the first step towards loving her unconditionally, just truly wanting the best God has for her.  To have a special girl in your life and to have the privilege to pray for her this way is a remarkably gratifying experience.

9. LET HER IN TO LEARN ABOUT YOU – not the obvious stuff, she’ll figure that out and you will have already shared enough that she likes the shallow stuff.  As she earns your trust, open up to her about who you are, but be discerning, you don’t want to freak her out.  You may be an acquired taste, we all are to some degree.  Also note that she will learn more about you through observation than through anything you tell her.  How you treat other people is very important to her.  If it’s not, then I would consider that a red flag.  Are you impatient?  Is cursing part of your vocabulary?  What do you value?  How do you spend your money?  All of these things will go into her understanding and evaluation of you.  If you have some concern or conviction about your answers, you may want to scroll up the page back to #1 above.  If you don’t have a life verse, that should be a red flag to her, so perhaps you need to get serious about your relationship with God and perhaps with 1Corinthians 16:13-14, learn it, live it, be it.

10. DON’T FORGET ROMANCE – In the midst of all of this, don’t forget romance, it is very important.  If you have been paying attention, then after a while you will have started to learn her likes and dislikes.  In short, know what she will appreciate and do it.  Send her flowers, text her during the day that you are thinking about her or perhaps text her a verse that spoke to you, wash her car, do something for her parents or family, read a book she loves so you can talk about it, buy her books, learn to cook her favorite meal, make her something with your own hands, write her a letter with a pen and paper, make a donation in her name to something she cares for, and so on. Do anything that will make her feel special and loved that you would not do for someone else.

PREPARE FOR BEAUTY – As you get to know her better in this context of Courting, you may begin to see indescribable beauty that no one else will see.  I am not talking about love goggles fueled by the booze of untamed eros.  I am talking about the beauty of the soul, the eros love filtered through the agape love of heaven.  The beauty that I am referring to here is going to manifest itself in who she is, not how she looks, and it will take many forms.  It might be the way she laughs at your jokes or the way you laugh together, could be that she is absolutely adorable after a long day using her tired voice or her enthusiasm to share something that happened at work or that she giggles when you’re praying together.  Perhaps it is a little more obscure such as when she says, “you’re an idiot” in response to your I love you – if this happens, your in!  It could be anything, but you will know it when you see it and it will grab hold of you.  To see where you are at, the question I would ask is this: ‘Do I want to be the guy who gets to rub her feet after a long day…for as long as we both shall live?’  If you would consider that an honor and a privilege, then she is that one and there is no upgrade after her.