“Listen my son and be wise,
And direct your heart in the way”

Proverbs 23:19

Listening has always been an important part of my career.  I have been through countless training classes on sales, marketing, negotiating and so on.  One thing that is always emphasized is listening to the customer.  As a solution provider offering software and services, it is always important to listen to the customer to understand their problems and objectives.  Once I have that understanding, then we can fix the problem.  You see, that is really my job, to fix problems.  Now that I have advanced in my career, I also have to listen to my employees and my company stakeholders so that I can fix their problems also.

I have to admit that there is a lot of satisfaction when you do fix a problem for a customer.  It is so gratifying when they are so thankful that they found you and do not consider that you just sold them a bunch of stuff, but the truth is that my success is measured by the sale.  When I do my monthly, quarterly and annual reporting and forecasting, I make no mention of the problems we solved or the people who put their trust in me and my team, the only thing that matters is the dollars, the profitability, the growth rate and the market share increase.  So while I believe I have good motives and like helping, in the back of my mind the question is always lurking on how to turn these problems into revenue.

So why do I lay this out, does it really matter?  Well it does when you have been conditioned to be a problem solver and then you bring that methodology into your home.  It’s a problem when you take every sentence and analyze it to understand the problem, consider the implications of not fixing the problem, the options for fixing the problem, and run a cost benefit analysis on the problems impact.  It’s a problem when it is your wife talking and the computer goes on to start processing what she is saying.  I didn’t put together actual impact studies, well I did when she left, but that is a different story.  I remember she would say “I need to talk to my husband, not my business partner” or she would preface her statements by saying “I need to tell you something, but I don’t want you to do anything.”  At the time, that did not make sense to me, why tell me, then tell me to ignore it?  Well she said things like this over and over again, but I did not realize how big a problem it was until she was gone.  Don’t misunderstand, there is much more to the story, but in regards to communication, this was a problem.

It did not occur to me that she was sharing her heart with me and I thought she was complaining so that I would fix things.  It turns out that she just wanted me to listen.  I thought I was listening, I could repeat back to her everything she said, but I never heard a word of it.  I can only imagine how frustrating that must have been.  She didn’t want a solution, she wanted to know that I was with her, that I shared her concern or her pain.  Ultimately she wanted some reassurance that she wasn’t in it alone and whatever the situation, she didn’t have to fear because we would work through it together.  It is very comforting to know that you are not alone in the world, conversely it is a feeling of great despair to feel alone in your own home.

I thought I was a good husband, but now that I have had a few years on my own to reflect, I realize that I did not fully know what I was doing.  Providing a home, cars, vacations and all the rest, wasn’t enough to fill the void.  We did not lack for anything, but I missed the mark because she still lacked for my presence.  It’s not that being a provider is bad, on the contrary it is a very good thing and something that husbands are called to do, but we are called to provide much more than just stuff.  We also need to be providers of our time, sympathy, encouragement, understanding and our presence.  By presence, I mean to be in the moment with her, not mentally disengaged because you have started working on the problem while she is still talking. (This is something that I am still working on and catch myself from time to time).  We are not only to listen with our minds, but must also learn how to hear her with our hearts, to be fully invested in what she is saying.  We don’t need to fully understand why she feels the way she does.  It is good if we do, but the important thing is to know where she is at and be there with her.  She didn’t need me to fix stuff, she was more than capable, she needed someone to just be there, present in the moment with her, providing encouragement and care.

Now I want to emphasize the importance of what I just said because it is profoundly important and can be easily overlooked.  From my perspective, I thought I had the intangibles down.  I was never dismissive of her concerns, at least I think I wasn’t.  I was faithful, trustworthy, dependable, never abusive verbally or any other way, I believed in always protecting her honor and I was careful not to be too friendly with other woman or give her any reason to doubt her place of exclusivity.  Again, those are all good things, but I often didn’t tend to her need to be cared for when she needed it most.  The wound analogy describes it best: when she got wounded and asked me to care for the wound, I would go out and deal with the thing that caused the wound.  So while that thing was dealt with and would not cause any more harm, she still needed care for the wound.  This is so clear to me now, but too little too late.

So am I making progress?  Yes, but reflecting on recent conversations have shown me that I still have work to do, but I am making progress.  I have noticed that some of my friend’s wives are more engaging and want to talk more when I call.  Business relationships have improved and gotten a little more personal and even my boss, a woman, told me that I seem more engaged.  I also received a great compliment from a gal who told me that in the year that we have been talking, she has noticed that I am more thoughtful and have a less harsh tone in our conversations.  That made me glad and validated that God was doing something in me.  So while I work on listening with my heart with friends, family, coworkers, etc, my hope is that one day I would again “obtain favor from the Lord.”